As I write, the intention behind my words imbues them with their meaning. If I have a hidden agenda, bias, or unspoken attitude, that will be evident in my use of language. My intentions and assumptions will shape my tone and the words I choose, just as in spoken communication. Do I assume you are curious? intelligent? impatient? My assumptions will serve as the foundation for my communication, and your emotional response will be colored by my assumptions and intentions.
Given how centrally important intentions are in communication, I want to begin by sharing my own intentions in writing this.
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My Intentions for This Post
- To give you a glimpse of who I am. This inherently requires vulnerability because my words are an extension of me. I place fragments of my thoughts, connected to topics that matter deeply to me, on the page, and risk being judged or dismissed.
- To share and inspire. I get to ramble excitedly about a topic I love. In my happiest writer fantasies, I articulate just the thing that stirs a feeling in you that connects you more fully to yourself and others. Something that gives you the feeling of relief or delight that I feel when I read a passage and something that was only dimly in my awareness becomes bright and defined.
- To connect. Potential clients reading about topics of personal interest might stumble upon this blog, and through a shared interest in communication or relationship, we might wind up working together.
- To earn a small side income. (I am new to the area and California expenses are steep.)
With more than my allotted word count, I could describe several other intentions, including some that might be only partially conscious, like: to remind myself of something I need to hear, to feel important, or to bolster my identity as “someone productive”. Intentions tend to be complex and multi-faceted; they are rarely as straightforward as “good” or “bad”. Instead, they reveal the complex meanings behind who we are and what we need, value, or fear.
Intention is a crucial layer of communication that most people are very sensitive to. Research conducted by Harvard Health in 2008 showed that the perception of malicious intent increased the level of physical pain subjects felt; whereas a neutral or positive intent reduced physical pain in comparison.
On several occasions I have heard overly simple advice about communicating, like “use I-language”, which doesn’t take into account what I consider to be far more relevant in any communication: the intention behind what a person is saying. (An easy way to check your own intentions is to ask yourself: “What am I hoping will (or will not) happen if I say this?”)
People may not always consciously register intention, but they will very likely pick up on it through tone, body language, and facial expression. Research done in 1971 by UCLA professor Albert Mehrabian found that when words and non-verbal cues conflict, listeners focus on tone and facial movements for up to 93% of the message. It’s no surprise then that friends or partners tend to be less inclined to listen if someone’s intention is to prove them wrong or subtly retaliate for a past comment.
Given the complexity of human intentions and of our close relationships, it can take considerable self reflection to honestly communicate our intentions. Nevertheless, doing so can be powerfully healing and connecting. Some of my favorite moments in the therapy room happen when exploring a person’s intentions opens a doorway to a deeper understanding of who they are. By giving voice to our hopes and fears in relationship, we are shown a clearer picture of ourselves. The relationship serves as a mirror that helps us see who we are and who we wish to become.
If you want to build and sustain deep, meaningful connections, I invite you to begin by exploring your intentions when you communicate with others. Are you communicating to provide information? To give advice? Or are you communicating with the intention to convey care and deepen your understanding of the person you’re communicating with?
If you want to learn more about my approach, please feel free to contact me and schedule a consultation at Cherie Oertel, Ph.D. | San Jose, CA | Relucent Psychology Group.
